221 days

Have you ever met a person for the first time? Maybe it was the right moment, maybe it was the right time and maybe the feelings you had at that time was aligned somehow. You see her and you feel as though you found the more beautiful person on Earth, her eyes, sparkle like diamonds, her smile, sweet like honey, her voice, music to your ears, the world, a brighter place.

All the fatigue, all the frustrations, all the anxieties, all the stress and the unhappiness that you feel inside, all miraculously leave your body.

And the next thing you know, you have a crush on her. And it became your life’s mission to get to know her, to find out as much as you can about her, to see her, talk to her, care for her and you’ll do everything you can to be noticed, even if it’s just a simple glance, you explode with joy on the inside, your heart beats erratically, your brain stops functioning. You know it’s a bad crush, cause you probably never will see her again, but you shrug that thought off like it’s nothing. Because what’s more important is getting to know her, to be her friend 

You ask around and when you finally find out her name, you feel as though you’ve accomplished a huge milestone. But you realise there’s no way you can actually link yourself to her, you don’t have any common friends. You find her on social media and you pluck up the courage to talk to her, afraid that you might be labelled as creepy, weird or desperate. But those don’t really matter to you, cause that feeling you got when you first saw her, you’re addicted to it, you wish to explore this new world that you’ve been introduced to.

Then the best thing happens, she responds, and she doesn’t find you creepy. And you begin to talk like normal friends do. It’s a period of pure bliss, every reply you get is so so precious. 

This goes on for awhile, but soon she realises that you have a crush on her, you like her. Then she tells you straight up that she isn’t for you, you deserve someone else, someone better, and she simply stops replying you, no matter what you say, no matter how many times you say, a simple “Hello, how are you”, a simple “Happy New Year”, a simple “Be Happy”. You just won’t get a reply. But you don’t give up, you just want the chance to be her friend and a chance to connect with her, a chance to know her, a chance for her to know you. So you don’t give up. You send her messages once in awhile, hoping she will say something, hoping she might give you a chance, hoping, just hoping.

The first day she doesn’t reply to you, you feel slightly disheartened. The second day, you feel a little sad. The third, fourth, fifth, you continue to wait for a reply, sinking down, further and further, deeper and deeper. When you finally can’t take it anymore, you send her a message; wishing she’d simply forgot or missed your previous message, “Maybe, she’s taking a breather”.

A month later, you still feel the same, two months, three months pass by, you simply become more resolute. Your friends all tell you to move on, and you know you should, but you don’t want to, cause of that feeling, that crush that won’t go away.

One day, you see on social media that she’s finally attached to someone. You genuinely feel happy for her, you want her to be happy and be healthy everyday, but you still don’t give up, you remain hoping, wishing, praying that she’ll reply you.

It’s been 221 days since the last reply. I’m still waiting for that chance. I’ll be improving myself, bettering myself, grooming myself, to be good enough to be your friend, to be suited enough to be your friend. 

In the meantime, do stay happy, I’ll be praying everyday that he treats you well, loves you well and pampers you. 

One day, hopefully one day, maybe one day, just one day….

The Sound of Raindrops

This first post will be dedicated to the people who gave my life meaning. The people who place more value on my life than I do myself. The people who allowed me to discover a purpose of my life. The people who shine so brightly in my darkest moments. The people who bring me shelter when the light gets unbearably bright.

The first time I felt like giving up on life happened to be a really stressful period for students, exams. The pillars of my life were crumbling, and with them, so was my will to live. 

Out of the blue, a friend of mine appeared. Unknowingly, he pulled my drowning soul up from the depths of the black ocean. Sacrificing the precious time before the exams, acting as a float to keep me from sinking.

Since then, everytime things got really tough, when I’m fighting battles I know I can never win, when all the odds are stacked against me, even if I really feel like giving up, I’d look back and think of the time people spent on me. 

Giving up would mean invalidating the time and effort they put in me, the emotions and memories.

Life had a meaning, I could live it for others, for my friends, for people who just need that little support, that bit of kindness.

Now, on rainy days, heavy or light, I no longer feel the gloom. I could hear the sound of the raindrops, the sweet music they make, cheering me on, cheering me up. 

We all deserve to feel that way.